Honest depression

So very tired, fragile, on edge. My body whilst aching from the flu, has felt like it was buzzing, shaking internally. Not the visible sort of shaking when you are cold or in shock but the sort where you are over alert, the smallest thing could make you jump or frighten you or worse produce the sot of tears that would never stop. The tears that produce the shoulder hunched body sobbing.

My mood in short…fucked. I don’t want to keep existing like this. I am not living I am just going the false motions of being day to day. I am living a charade that begets my inner sorrow and misery. I have no interest in anything. I pretend, don’t get me wrong, but going through the motions of doing things that normally fill me with joy and happiness are empty and meaningless. The children help me in retaining this façade that I have kept up. But I am no actor but people see behind this veiled curtain that I try to keep up. It is a lot easier just talking to people, that I know.

But how can you talk to people when you don’t even know your self that you are slipping until you have started to slide that little to fast to stop your self easily

I have found solace and comfort in my friends and family. Their tolerance for my flatness is overwhelming and I truly appreciate what they are doing by just being there.

I have found that my tolerance with my general health is extremely decreased leaving me more susceptible to this virus that I have caught. But I also believe that my body is sick, my blackness has more control over me than I thought. I am not allowing it to take control fully, but it is taking control. My inner strength, I feel is at an all time low. But….I have control because I have the power to stop this. My power comes from my chemical saviour of antidepressants.

It is sad that I have slipped down to this level. I believe that I did have control over this not that long ago, but bit by bit it has regained its hold over me, I feel the strength of its embrace is some what suffocating. I am wanting to throw of the shackles of this demon, turn around punch it in its face and kick it where the sun don’t shine!!!

Today I have done myself a justice in writing this down, I have been honest. Honesty is a hard thing to bring forward, especially when you are exposing ones self.