1 week. A long 7 days, but 7 days all the same

1 week. That is how long it has been. 1 week, 7 tablets, support, understanding and self forgiveness. How much is under rated I wonder. Not by me. My flu symptoms are gone. I am still tired but working on beating that!! Sleep is a wonderful ally.

I am feeling so much better. I can smile, I feel calm and capable of coping. I was still tense on the weekend..had trouble coping with a family gathering, but it was with all of my family that understand.

I now realise that I was drowning more that I gave myself to admit. But who of us like to admit fault? Hey I have grown up with a Dad who is "PERFECT and WONDERFUL" or so he told any one who asked how he was....so wasn't I supposed to be the same?

I realise, NO WAY!!! But I can tell people I am great and good and lovely!!!! Like father, like daughter! Stiff upper lip, that is what I perceived on how I was supposed to be. Huh. Laugh at that one, I think not. Day by day I am just being me, what ever shape that takes.

I had my TKD grading last night. I am now a Blue belt. That in itself is no task to be undertaken lightly....kicking, punching, patterns, self defence, ending up on the floor!!! I have been going for 12 months now. To say that I am proud of myself is an understatement. Even when I was drowning I kept going. I have to admit I had stopped enjoying it and was finding it a chore. There is fun back in TKD now, already, even after this short period.

I managed to finish one project last month: This is a small wall hanging of a snow scene...the snow was french knots but I decided to use seed beads for the glitter effect. I sent it to the US for our friend Lisa and Tom for their Christmas gift.

Speaking of the US, we booked and paid for the tickets two weeks ago. So now we have tickets, travel insurance but no spending money or accommodation! We will book the hotels in the new year. Try to save up as much as we can for that. Hoping the US $$ gains some ground as the current exchange rate hurts, especially when it was not that long ago that it was nearly $ for $.

For my friends I thank them for being there no matter how silent. I am sorry if I caused any hurt for the worry that some have felt, but this was a way for me to expres myself, something I have not done for a long time. It was a way to let out my hurt, I have kept things bottled up, no wonder I am a little nutty, but then again who among us isn't slightly on the twisted side!!

Honest depression

So very tired, fragile, on edge. My body whilst aching from the flu, has felt like it was buzzing, shaking internally. Not the visible sort of shaking when you are cold or in shock but the sort where you are over alert, the smallest thing could make you jump or frighten you or worse produce the sot of tears that would never stop. The tears that produce the shoulder hunched body sobbing.

My mood in short…fucked. I don’t want to keep existing like this. I am not living I am just going the false motions of being day to day. I am living a charade that begets my inner sorrow and misery. I have no interest in anything. I pretend, don’t get me wrong, but going through the motions of doing things that normally fill me with joy and happiness are empty and meaningless. The children help me in retaining this façade that I have kept up. But I am no actor but people see behind this veiled curtain that I try to keep up. It is a lot easier just talking to people, that I know.

But how can you talk to people when you don’t even know your self that you are slipping until you have started to slide that little to fast to stop your self easily

I have found solace and comfort in my friends and family. Their tolerance for my flatness is overwhelming and I truly appreciate what they are doing by just being there.

I have found that my tolerance with my general health is extremely decreased leaving me more susceptible to this virus that I have caught. But I also believe that my body is sick, my blackness has more control over me than I thought. I am not allowing it to take control fully, but it is taking control. My inner strength, I feel is at an all time low. But….I have control because I have the power to stop this. My power comes from my chemical saviour of antidepressants.

It is sad that I have slipped down to this level. I believe that I did have control over this not that long ago, but bit by bit it has regained its hold over me, I feel the strength of its embrace is some what suffocating. I am wanting to throw of the shackles of this demon, turn around punch it in its face and kick it where the sun don’t shine!!!

Today I have done myself a justice in writing this down, I have been honest. Honesty is a hard thing to bring forward, especially when you are exposing ones self.